Things you wanna say to your customers.

store815 · Guru

RE: Things you wanna say to your customers.

Date: Nov 24, 2012

Rich! Rich! Rich! Don'tcha just love it??? I once remembered a customer who, after paying for her groceries, sat outside in her car on a HOT day for three hours, looking over her grocery receipt, comes back in and says she was overcharged 10 cents. And how much perishable food was spoiled by the time she got it home? And she worries about 10 cents? It's like the nutcase who tries to pass you on the road, because he's in a hurry, only to be stopped at the red light the same time as you. Did he get ahead of you? Yes. did he win the race? No. I've seen guys on the freeway try to get into another lane, because the guy in front of them was too slow, only to see the slow guy far ahead of the speeder, when they finally hit a traffic jam or road construction...The people who think they're winning are...in actuality...losing!

It makes me wonder why more people don't use their brains...

Date: Jan 14, 2013

You decided to cash in a dozen WIC orders during the busiest time of the frenzy on Christmas Eve? I would be impressed by your jerkiness if you weren't a clueless foreigner. I would be so impressed I would even post about it halfway through the next month.

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Of course I'm bagging slowly. What did you ****ing expect?

This is the express lane. The sign says "About 15 items".

Your order came out to slightly above $150. Half of it canned. That's a few more than 15 items.

You brought your own bags. Some of them dirty, stained, and smelly.

Bringing your bags is one of the most effective ways of slowing me down. Especially if I'm afraid of catching something from them. About the only way you can slow me down more is to start making **** up like double paper inside plastic.

I try to do a good job bagging. After a few crazy people yell at you for not bagging to their satisfaction, you too might decided to save yourself some trouble. You have a lot of tv dinners, cleaning supplies, fragile produce items, big heavy cans, eggs, bread, raw meats, and all kinds of things randomly jumbled onto the belt. These don't all go together. I'm trying to help you.

Normally, I'd be severely annoyed by you and your order and then never think about it again. This is what I do all damn day for $.70 above minimum wage. I hate everybody and I'm dead inside. You are just a couple more oblivious and inconsiderate customers in a whole goddamn ocean of people I hate.

But here is the icing on the cake. I'm making goddamn Grocery Mountain on the carousel since you can't be bothered to help. What do you do? You turn to your friend and pronounce in an outside voice how slow I'm going.

****. It makes me want to tuck a razor blade into my watchband just so I can ruin all your **** while pretending to bag it.

I wish you had said something sooner so I could have smashed and misbagged more of your stuff.

Cathy · Guru

Please explain how it is much easier for me that you left all of your groceries in the basket and just set it on top of the belt instead of unloading it. How is it easier for me to unload your basket for you or take them out one by one, instead of scanning them?

You didn't count your lemons and put them inside of a bag the size of a basketball, so I have to take them out to count them. If you don't like it, count them yourself... or don't put them inside a bag the size of a basketball!

No, I didn't see that coupon that was stuck to one of your items in your $300 order. You didn't either. So, don't get mad at me about it!

Sure, the supervisor sent you through my express checkout even though you had a cartload... but don't expect me to back you up if the person behind you gets mad.

thedude · Guru

Listen. I'll be the 1st to admit that my tolerance towards customers has gone out the door. I dont remember exactly th situation but I must of provoked a customer really good that she called the corporate hotline right afterwards. About an hour later, the deli phone rings and another employee answers it. They said 'hey its for you'. So i walk over and said "yes, can I help you?" It was some lady at the corporate hotline. She asked if I was so and so and I said yes. Then then asked if I recalled a particular customer who was recently in the store who ordered this and that. I played dumb and said no. So she reasked the question with different wording. i once again said "ido not know what your are asking. would you like to speak to the department manager?" She was so flabbergased that she just hung up. I didnt hear anything else concerning that issue again

Date: Feb 2, 2013

Hi there. This is a grocery checkout lane, not a Jenga tournament. That three foot stack of tv dinners is probably going to fall over when the belt moves, and probably right on top of me. If you keep pissing me off, I'll let it fall over, or knock it over onto the ground when you aren't looking. You probably shouldn't have put your eggs on top.

It's petty and passive aggressive, I know, but I am limited in expressing how much I hate you if I want to keep my job.

It's not so much that I want to keep my job as much as it is I'm having a hard time finding a better one.

Date: Feb 2, 2013

You think you're better than me because I'm white, don't ya!?

VWguy90 · Veteran Member

Dear Customer:

Our express lanes are clearly marked with a sign as tall as you are, as well as the sign above the register light. Around 15 items does not mean your full freaking cart of groceries. And don't think you're in the right just because you need cigarettes.

Cathy · Guru

Here's what I'd like to say to all the customers in my store who like to show their importance by mentioning that they live in the nearby, brand new, upscale neighborhood, namely Norton Commons.

-Oh, you live in Norton Commons? And that makes you more deserving of better service how?

-You live in Norton Commons? I do too! (not really, but I doubt you do either)

-You live in Norton Commons? Well, good for you! Let's see which one of us keeps our house longer.

-You live in Norton Commons? Wow, I am so lucky to be graced by your presence!

The irony is that there is an older upscale neighborhood right next to the store and none of those people act snooty at all.

Date: Feb 12, 2013

No, you can't pay for your order entirely with Zyrtec coupons.

You have more Zyrtec coupons than you do items.

You didn't even buy Zyrtec.

That's not how coupons work.

Cathy · Guru

That's how they think coupons work. biggrin

They also think that they should get something for free just because it was sitting in the wrong spot. "That's false advertising!"

I'd like to tell to go complain to their eyes and brain... because that is what decieved them.

Date: Feb 20, 2013

Go get a toothbrush and some toothpaste. I'll send a courtesy clerk if you'd like. I'll just scan these coupons here and you can have them for free. You get a receipt and everything. Seriously. You really do need them and I really do want to help. Free.

And if you happen get some floss, or maybe some soap while you're over there, I'll even forget to scan them before putting them in your bag. Please.

Cathy · Guru

To the impatient lady trying to unload her cart when the lady in front is not finished yet... Don't you know that you're only slowing yourself down? Because now, I have to wait until the first lady COMPLETELY unloads her cart so that the orders don't get mixed up.
To the self-important man that displayed attitude when I asked for his Kroger Plus card... You told me you'd punch it in, in a MINUTE! The phone number that you punched in didn't work, but I didn't tell you about it because of your nasty attitude. Oh well, guess you'll find out when you get home.
To the nasty lady that threw her check at me... Maybe I'll give your phone number to the next telemarketer that calls me and tells me about a 'cool deal'. "Well, I need to think this over. I'll be out of town next week... and we are about 12 hours ahead. Here's where you can reach me xxx-xxxx."

Date: Feb 21, 2013

No, your brats can't have a cookie. They're fat enough anyway. Besides, it's the day after (Halloween, Christmas, Easter). Did they already eat the cookies and candy from the holiday?

Art Vandelay · Member

It doesn't matter how I slice it, dumba$$, a pound of ham is still a pound of ham.

Why yes, I AM marking these donuts down. Even though you see me taking them out of this box

and putting them ON the table, not taking them OFF it.

No I will not put this marked-down cake in the deli and hold it it for you just because you are an employee

and think you get first dibs on these things. By the way, it seems you are shopping on the clock and the company

tends to frown on that. Besides, there is someone waiting to check-out in your lane.

Sure I'll stop doing what I'm doing and slice you some cheese, even though it appears my fellow associate

is clearly already slicing you some meat.

Of course I'll let you have a chicken out of the rotisserie. Wait, the timer says they won't be ready for another

45 minutes. What's that? You'll buy one anyway and finish cooking it at home? What a swell idea. And then you

and/or someone in your family can get sick from eating undercooked poultry if you remember to cook it anyway.

And then you'll sue Kroger for selling you the food that made you sick, and I'll probably get fired for doing something

I know I shouldn't have done. That is a wonderful plan.

-- Edited by Art Vandelay on Thursday 28th of February 2013 07:07:28 PM

Date: Mar 2, 2013

As a cashier, if I'm loading your cart for you and you aren't crippled, it's because I hate you so much that I want you out of my store as soon as possible.

masterdeli · Newbie

Please finish eating your sample before you open your mouth to give me your order

Date: Mar 5, 2013

You have many hundreds of dollars in food stamps. You just spent $200 on cat food. You smell and sound like you smoke at least a few packs of cigarettes a day.

I can't tell if you bathed this week. You might have, but not in the last couple days. Why can't you spare a dollar or two for a bar of soap? A bar of soap isn't expensive. If you want, I'll actually buy you one and you can see how it works out for you. And if you are feeling adventurous, maybe a even a trip to the laundromat is in order.

You have hundreds and hundreds of dollars you just piss away. Figuratively and literally; Uncle Sam just bought you half a cart of Gatorade.

Maybe, just maybe, you could get afford a bar of soap. Just one. Try it out. Please.

Cathy · Guru

Awww, but soap isn't "fun". Some adults on food stamps are like little kids. "Wants" are more important than "needs".

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And here's what I'd say to some of these customers:

- You're only 25, and you unload your groceries slower than an 80 year old woman.
- So you expect me to not judge you for getting a cart-full of beer, when you just used food stamps to pay for the other half of your order?!
- Maybe I should get food stamps, so I can eat just as luxuriously as you do.
- Suuuuuuure! I don't mind having to void off half of your order because you thought your card had more on it than it did. Oh, you want me to void all the cereal and milk but keep the potato chips and soft drinks? Maybe that's what happened last time.
- You drive a more expensive car than I'll ever have. That's the type of person I want to support with my tax dollars. Oh, and here's your coupon so you can get a free phone too!

4hourrush · Guru

From an incident today:

Don't complain to me that an item isn't marked down yet, it'll be marked down on the day it's supposed to be.

Oh, you don't want it? Well fine I didn't tell you to pick it up in the first place, lady.

No, my manager isn't here. She isn't hiding behind the counters.

Date: Mar 14, 2013

What is so hard to understand about conveyor belts?

You take an item out of your cart, and put it on the belt. It's that easy.

What do you do?

You push your cart to the far end of the register. Which is a pleasant surprise. I think to myself, "Holy ****, you actually figured out the conveyor belt. You, madam, are the first customer today that I don't want to disembowel and shove into a storm drain."

Except then you grab an item, walk up to me, and throw it at me. And then you walk back up to me and place another one on top of my hands as I try to scan.

I am pretty sure that everyone you know hates you. I don't even know you and I hate you.

Date: Mar 18, 2013

Here's a helpful hint. If you swear at me, and especially if it's about something I have no control over, I am less likely to try to help you.

Date: Mar 18, 2013

Whenever I get behind some fat woman and I'm trying to get by her I always want to say, "Ma'am, could you waddle a little bit faster?"

Cathy · Guru

Dear parking lot customer,

It was fine that you didn't feel like going to the cart corral to put your cart in (a lot of people don't feel like doing it), but did you really have to shove your cart 50 feet toward the end of the parking lot and let it SLAM into the curb?!

I allowed you time for me to get across the crosswalk without you having to stop, but you just had to speed up because that wasn't good enough for you... you had to be FIRST! And then you have the audacity to honk at me as if it was MY fault that you had to slam on your brakes to avoid hitting me.

Dear checklane customer,

Please, AGAIN, explain to me how it is easier for me that you did not unload your hand basket and just sit it up there. I really want to hear this.

I have NO control over the pricing or the policies of this store, but if you'd like, I could give you the number to the corporate office. I'm sure they'd LOVE to hear from you. :)

To the dishonest customer,

I'm sure corporate won't mind if you don't ever come back in here again. So do you want to tell me AGAIN how you'll never shop here again?

I saw you slip that $20 behind your back before pulling out that $1, but I am just having my till counted so that other customers won't feel uncomfortable, knowing that there's a thief in their midst.

We know about that extra magazine that you hid under your purse until it was time to go. We let you go this time, but know that from now on, we WILL be watching you.

I know that you're trying to be dishonest with the coupons, but I am just playing dumb (you like my dumb face?) I'll just let my supervisor handle this one...

Date: Mar 21, 2013

If loading the belt were retard Tetris, you'd still only "win" some kind of participatory medal because you are horrible at it.

I seriously wonder if you can even figure out how to put things into your refrigerator when you get home.

Date: Mar 23, 2013

The sticker coupon is still on the product, except now it's bagged and in your cart.

I don't have time to take off and read every sticker coupon I see. A lot of the time, they don't even apply.

If it was important to you, you should have just pulled it off.

Now you are just being a jerk.

I wouldn't hate you so much if you weren't personally ruining my CCG's.

Date: Mar 24, 2013

I like my job, mostly. I am very patient with people, and try to be empathetic and understanding. It makes me feel good to get a smile out of people who seem cranky or standoffish, when I can. Most people, I like to think, are just trying to get through a day like the rest of us.

Which is not to say that some stuff just doesn't cross my line.

Not unloading hand basket means that, when feasible, I just flip the damn thing over and dump it all over the belt. I love the look on the face I get from that one - nobody has ever said anything about it, probably because they realize then that they should have done it themselves.

Also, a guy came through my line tonight in his kutte. It had eagles clutching swastikas, and other nazi/fascist imagery. I can't abide by this kind of thing. I see other bikers and guys in clubs rocking this crap all the time and it makes me sick. So not only did I not scan his plus card, I trashed his groceries when I bagged them. He didn't notice I smashed and cut his bread open and broke half of his eggs. Rotisserie chicken with frozen vegetables. It just so happened I was the office person for the night, too. So don't even bother trying to return the stuff, you nazi prick. I don't have time in my day for fascists. Why don't you march your happy jackbooted ass down to wal mart instead.

What drove me even crazier was that the weather is **** and he was driving a cage so he was just sporting the kutte to advertise that he's a piece of ****. people like that are 90% of the reason i'd never consider joining an MC. If I'd have been in a bar or something somewhere, we'd have probably had words, or worse. If we were on the road i'd have flicked pennies at him or something. Instead, at my job, I have to settle for passive-aggression!

other than that, I can find within me infinite patience to deal on people and their quirks, or people in unfortunate economic circumstances, or whatever. Unless they're fascists. In which case, **** em.

Date: Mar 26, 2013

Please don't put money or ID on the belt when it's moving.

Thank you.

Cathy · Guru

When a customer doesn't unload their basket, I like to take it out and unload it onto the belt myself... slowly. I usually get "I can do that" and they'll help me, or "I thought it would be easier for you that way"... Explain how that makes it easier for me to have to unload your basket!

I also love the ones that are too busy texting on the phone. I wait for them to get all their groceries unloaded and their Kroger Plus card out before I start. They get mad at me sometimes, but I don't care. Next time get off the phone!

To the customer that puts money on the belt... "Sorry, the belt ate your dollar... It was hungry."

To the one that wants to argue with me... 'walks off, gets supervisor'

To the one speeding in the parking lot... 'takes video, emails it to police department'

To the extremely rude customer... 'takes video, puts it on YouTube'

AnonymousCutter · Guru

I've been having problems with an associate of mine who almost told a customers "**** you" and called another one a "n***er". We had a very long chat about his behavior.

Date: Apr 1, 2013

Happy Easter? **** you.

Because of *******s like you, I have to be here ringing up your ****. I could be with my family and enjoying the holiday, but you can't be bothered to shop one goddamn day ahead.

I hate you, and I would damage your groceries if you weren't watching me so closely.

GenesisOne · Guru

Anonymous wrote:
Happy Easter? **** you.
Because of *******s like you, I have to be here ringing up your ****. I could be with my family and enjoying the holiday, but you can't be bothered to shop one goddamn day ahead.
I hate you, and I would damage your groceries if you weren't watching me so closely.

It's incredible the number of people that pick the day of the holiday (Easter, Thanksgiving) to do their holiday shopping/regular shopping. I love it when a customer comes through with groceries on a holiday and says something along the lines of stores really should be closed for the holiday... yet that person is there, shopping.

What you posted kind of reminded me of what happened this past Christmas Eve at the store I'm at. Whenever we're closing early (Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve), I'll be the one that ends up having to stand by the entrance and inform customers of the time we're closing and how much time they have to shop (we post signs days in advance of what time we're closing on a holiday... but that doesn't seem to do much good). We were closing at 8:00PM and at about 7:55PM, one of the co-managers told me to just start telling people we're closed. A few minutes after that, I had one guy practically stand in front of me and argue with me that the sign stated the store was open until 8:00PM. It was like two minutes before 8:00PM at that point. I explained to him that my co-manager said to begin closing the store and offered to call one of the co-managers if he wanted. To that he said "screw this" only he used a certain other word instead and left mad. I wanted to compliment him on his Christmas spirit, but figured it would be best if I just chewed on my tongue.

After 8:00PM, I was still by the door, turning people away, and I had people ask me, "well, what time are you opening tomorrow?". I wanted to say, "really? You can't go one day out of the year without going to Kroger?"

I know it's coming. Pretty soon, we're not going to close early on holidays or on Christmas Eve and we're not going to close on Christmas, either. The amount of people we have to turn away when closing early and the number of people willing to shop on Christmas is going to lead to corporate thinking, "what are we doing missing out on all that business? Let's stay open 365 days of the year!"

Date: May 5, 2013

Hmm, those braces OH MY GOD THOSE AREN'T BRACES WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR TEETH!?!?!?!?!?

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Look. You are doing it completely wrong. You don't carry loose crumpled up bills and cards in your pocket, in your bra, in a change purse, or in a plastic sandwich bag. You need to start carrying this stuff like a grown up for ****'s sake.

Get a wallet. Not a billfold,as it's too easy for a retard like you to **** up. Get a wallet. Maybe a money clip if you really mean it. Take your bills, and straighten them out. Place them neatly in the wallet in a sensible order. I personally prefer ascending denomination from left to right. Carry only the cards you need to. Don't carry every single card that somebody once gave you. Don't carry your Social Security card. I mean just carry your ID and payment cards, and only the shopper's cards you actually use. You look like an amateur magician struggling to find my card in your ****ing deck.

Aren't you tired of doing this at every single store you go to? You are wasting your time, which would normally be fine since you clearly don't value it, but you are ruining my CCGs and wasting my time as well.

I work here, which means I'm not too smart, and even I can work a wallet. What does that say about you?

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We have a new policy. If I've asked you for your shopper's card, and you don't give it to me, you aren't allowed to argue about prices. Not a word. In fact, I am actually allowed to reach across the checkstand and slap you upside the head.

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If you don't speak or read English or Spanish, you probably shouldn't use self checkout.

styles · Guru

"well i'm never shopping here again!"

"i do wish you really meant that ma'am, but i'm sure i'll be seeing you here again in a couple of days"

Cathy · Guru

Please have your coupons ready before I finish your order. Don't wait until I tell you your total and then pull out a huge stack of every coupon Kroger has ever sent to you and then start ripping them out and handing them to me one by one.

Please have your payment ready as well. Why should all the other customers have to wait while you search through the bottom of your purse or through a huge stack of cards to find your debit or credit card? Why do you have your money in ten different places? Why not put all your cash in one place?

Also, please cover your mouth when you cough. You should have learned that in elementary school. But since, you didn't, don't act offended when I remind you.

Please do not flop your basket on the belt without unloading it. This is the main reason that I try to pass over anyone with those little baskets and will invite someone into my lane with a huge order in a large cart instead.

When you are rude to me, I am secretly looking at your nametag to find out where you work. I might call in to your boss later. ;)

Date: May 8, 2013

The saying "If you've got it, flaunt it" isn't referring to morbid obesity.

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I didn't overcharge you for ****. You typed in organic lettuce yourself. Some of your other produce is wrong too. But I'm not going to help you if you take that tone and yell at me. I hate you and I hope you had a bad time at self checkout.

ExKrogerSlave · Member

Don't throw items across the service counter to be sliced. It's far more efficient if you actually tell me how you want your pork loin cut if you do more than heave it on the counter and leave.

It is 11pm... and you are shopping for a whole semi-boneless ham. Did you expect to find a butcher ANYWHERE in this town at this hour?

I am glad that "the other guy" gives you special deals all the time... but I am not him. I value my job. By the way, who is it that is giving you special deals, I would like to pick up some extra hours and I'm sure management would love to "reward" this employee. Oh, you don't want to give me his name, and you will come back later... interesting.

NOW for some I actually DID SAY to customers (sometimes, the idiocy NEEDS a RETORT):

1: (Customer was a well known WVU running back, who drove a Cadillac Escalade and may play pro now, not sure) No, I can't "cut you a deal" on these ribs. I have a family and would really like to be able to feed them, so my job is more important than your deal.

2: How fresh is this seafood? It is so fresh that it is not even here yet, this is just an illusion.

3: Banging on the counter with your cane is not going to make me materialize. I was taking out the trash. How can I help you?

4: That ma'am is Mon River carp. Caught it myself this morning. Oh, sorry, didn't realize the sign said Catfish. My bad.

5: No, we don't have anything cheaper than catfish nuggets. Anything less and we'd have to pay YOU to take it out of here.

Date: May 8, 2013

ExKrogerSlave wrote:
Don't throw items across the service counter to be sliced. It's far more efficient if you actually tell me how you want your pork loin cut if you do more than heave it on the counter and leave.

It is 11pm... and you are shopping for a whole semi-boneless ham. Did you expect to find a butcher ANYWHERE in this town at this hour?

I am glad that "the other guy" gives you special deals all the time... but I am not him. I value my job. By the way, who is it that is giving you special deals, I would like to pick up some extra hours and I'm sure management would love to "reward" this employee. Oh, you don't want to give me his name, and you will come back later... interesting.

NOW for some I actually DID SAY to customers (sometimes, the idiocy NEEDS a RETORT):

1: (Customer was a well known WVU running back, who drove a Cadillac Escalade and may play pro now, not sure) No, I can't "cut you a deal" on these ribs. I have a family and would really like to be able to feed them, so my job is more important than your deal.

2: How fresh is this seafood? It is so fresh that it is not even here yet, this is just an illusion.

3: Banging on the counter with your cane is not going to make me materialize. I was taking out the trash. How can I help you?

4: That ma'am is Mon River carp. Caught it myself this morning. Oh, sorry, didn't realize the sign said Catfish. My bad.

5: No, we don't have anything cheaper than catfish nuggets. Anything less and we'd have to pay YOU to take it out of here.

This happened to me several years ago in the bakery department.

Customer: This pie is all cracked on top. Are you going to reduce it?

Me: No, whether it's cracked or not it still tastes the same.

Date: May 12, 2013

Excuse me, ma'am. You haven't noticed, but your child is rather enjoying playing in the freezer. I bet he would really love the large freezer in the back. I'm just going to let him play back there for a few hours, ok?

Indy1979 · Senior Member

Yes the motorized cart's do not work as well when you weigh over 350lbs!